Suite Life Review

A long, long time ago, a game caught my eye: Suite Life, put out by MME before they went under.

My English is trash. Back in high school I used to pronounce “Suite” as “Suit,” and it took me forever to realize I’d been saying it wrong the whole time. That’s part of why the title stuck with me. Suite Life, literally “packaged life.” There’s an American TV show with the same name, but this game seems to have nothing to do with it.

Honestly, I played Suite Life not long after it came out, and then… I dropped it.

Dropping it wasn’t my intention, I was genuinely interested. The main reason was that the game was just too boring.

And years later I went back and finished it. The main reason was pretty much the same as why I dropped it: I was too bored.

The game opens with a completely nonsensical premise: “Under some TV program project, a bunch of unrelated people live together, become a family, and begin their Suite Life.”

But after finishing the game, I still have no idea what that “TV program project” was even supposed to be. Maybe it’s like a reality show, but what’s the point? A bunch of people living together because of a TV show? If it’s a reality show, shouldn’t there at least be some interaction? If you deleted that setup and just said they’re living together because of shared rent, nothing would change. It’s all the same.

And honestly, I’d rather it be something like a “love apartment” cohabitation story. That would’ve been better than this dumb “TV program project.”

That’s about all I can say about this game, because the main body really has nothing to talk about. It’s so boring I couldn’t sit through more than five minutes at a time.

The game creatively gives each heroine a full set of traits, but it barely digs into their inner lives. Instead, the protagonist just keeps triggering “pink events” while living with them—oops, saw her panties, occasionally helps pick out underwear. It’s as low as it gets.

By the second half, the route selection is even more lazy: just pick a name, whoever you choose is who you get. After that, the other characters evaporate like steam, which made the game feel even more baffling.

If you’re trying to write “love that blossoms after moving in together,” why is the cohabitation so damn boring? Did the writer never watch TBBT or Friends? You need jokes to keep players engaged and immersed. Only then can you properly build the relationships between characters.

And the game never explains what the fuck that “TV program project” actually was. If it’s a reality show and the protagonist is banging in the house, shouldn’t it be live-streamed?

All in all, this game is just baffling: a baffling setup, baffling plot, and baffling character designs. Sure, the heroines have labels—actress, office lady, busty wife, blonde gal—but those labels are useless because the story is so dull you can’t remember anything. The only thing that sticks is the OP.

Yes, the game’s biggest highlight is the OP, and the OP is great. It’s strong, unbeatable, especially that emphasized “dakara” that constantly tells you: this is all the game’s got.

If you’re curious about this game, just listen to the OP. If the OP makes you interested in the game, don’t play it. Stay with the good impression the OP gave you.