Saying Goodbye to the Old Idiot: My 2013 in Review

Another year’s over. Honestly, I’ve been meaning to write something for days now… but every time I actually grab the keyboard, my head feels stuffed with cotton… my thoughts grind to a halt… basically I just get hit by a wave of tiredness and can’t put sentences together. So I kept putting it off, and here we are at the end. At the very least, before 2014 rolls in, I should say something about this past year — it mattered a lot to me… so let me just ramble with my messy thoughts.

On Emotion

The biggest change in 2013 compared to before is that I got thinner. This time last year I was a 130 kg guy; now I’m 90 kg, and if all goes well, tomorrow it’ll be less. Though I never really denied why I started dieting — because a girl said: “You’re great in every way, just too fat.”… So I threw caution to the wind and started the diet. My initial goal was 30 kg in 6 months; I didn’t actually pull it off, but appearance-wise the results are already very visible.

Oh right, back to emotions. About that girl, I always told people “I’m not really that into her, just felt pretty good about her, even if she dumps me I lose nothing.” Looking back, I was such a tsundere — I clearly had her on my mind all the time. But maybe my otaku nature runs too deep; I never had that other-guys thing of loving to death or dying for love. I always treated her with quiet care. I granted every request she made, and I don’t think I ever said no to her. And she seemed to have quite a good impression of me too — right when all the bystanders were saying this was definitely going to happen, she handed me a friend card. So I promptly pulled out and said we didn’t even need to be friends.

Thinking about it now, my choice to become strangers with her had a bit of revenge in it. Of course, I could also self-righteously say it was her own doing. When she handed me the card, she said she’d known my feelings for a long time but never rejected me, never avoided it either… Well, honestly, what I hate most is people playing at ambiguity. At first I thought she was just a bit slow, or didn’t think much about other people’s feelings. But the facts showed it only brought disappointment.

I always observed the development of my feelings for her along two branches: one, “she has feelings for me”; the other, “she has no feelings for me, she’s just an airhead.” When the facts unfolded, I found she wasn’t an airhead at all — just an ordinary, dreadfully ordinary worldly girl who likes money, likes handsome guys, has no life goals, no courage, no ambitions, doesn’t want to work, just wants to live off her parents. I’d quietly observed this long ago, but I didn’t want to believe it. Since that’s how it is… fine then. Getting away early is a kind of release, maybe even something to be glad about…

When I talked about this with an old friend, I once said: “The thing is, her family’s conditions are terrible, she has nothing herself. If I married her I’d not only bear huge pressure but also a lot of financial burden — but I like her, so I was prepared to do it anyway. Sometimes I think marrying her would be like saving her from the abyss.”

After handing me the card, the girl even tentatively asked me, “A lot of guys I’ve rejected before end up keeping their distance from me. You won’t do that, right?” My answer was tactful, but inside I was thinking: “The moment you rejected me, I stopped liking you. I could do a lot for you, and you never did anything for me from start to finish. To put it crudely, if I stayed friends with you after you gave up on me, I’d be of great value to you — and you’d be worth nothing to me. So why would I keep giving?”

Well then… since you gave up your chance to climb out of the abyss, all I can do is wish you luck.

On Mindset

In 2013 I went through the biggest work pressure of my life, and my mood hit rock bottom for a while… I even felt like many people around me were laughing at me, that every word they said was hurting me. Before, I never cared about any of this — probably because I used to be a shut-in otaku, and now I’ve finally stepped out into society.

I’ve always believed that when it comes to mental illness, the only one who can save you is yourself. Once you figure it out yourself, everything clicks and the cure takes effect.

So I figured it out in a slightly twisted way: since I always feel like so many people in the world are annoyed by me, then for now I’ll ignore them, and use my own efforts to enjoy my future revenge.

Sometimes revenge really is a good way to set your mind at ease — like Buddhist karma. It’s not that there’s no payback, just that the time hasn’t come. The subtext is basically saying, “Hey, don’t look at that guy jumping around all happy now — he’ll get his eventually, so what are you rushing for?”

After coming out of that low point, my attitude toward things got even colder. My father even said he rarely sees me smile anymore.

Why should I smile? The guys who ought to be punished are still eating, drinking, and having fun, and I still have a lot of things to do. The time for revenge hasn’t come yet — what is there to smile about? Maybe when those guys finally eat shit, I’ll let out a crazy laugh like something broke inside me…

It’s not a good method, but at least it keeps me going.

The world itself is dark. Living in a real nightmare and staying awake is better than living in a fake sweet dream, muddled and half-conscious. In 2013, my heart saw this world more clearly.

That’s a good thing.

On Life

I’ve already forgotten what my plans for 2013 were, so I looked them up…

2012 Year in Review

More rational, thinner, more of an otaku

Hopes for 2013

Better looking, richer, a girl

Looking at it now, it’s a total joke… I seem to have achieved none of it. Though I can’t be that depressed — I found my own life trajectory.

Still have to thank that girl. Because I once imagined in my head more than once how my life would go if she hadn’t rejected me. I’d need to make as much money as possible, cultivate my social skills, or improve my ability to get things done, and learn to cook, and have money to buy a car, and so on and so on…

So the girl kicked me to the curb, but the life trajectory stayed. You can’t accompany me through life, so I’ll keep it ready — it’ll come in handy for the next one, right…

I have many things I want to do. Some are for others, some are for myself.

In 2013, for others and for a better future life, I took a bunch of absolutely idiotic exams. Luckily the effort wasn’t wasted — those exams all got results. In 2013, I also started learning quite a few things for myself. Of course, it’s still just the starting stage.

And of course, the success of the weight loss gave me a taste of the good stuff. I started to believe that for a lot of things, if you don’t do them, you’ll get no results at all. Talk is just talk after all — even Kamijou the talk-no-jutsu god still has to punch people in the face.

While maintaining my current life situation as much as possible to earn money, learn more things and find my true self…

That’s the life trajectory I figured out in 2013.

On the Future

2013 feels more like a turning point. For me, I feel like I’ve been reborn both physically and mentally. Just from appearance, I think a lot of people might not recognize me anymore — assuming they haven’t seen me in a year, that is…

So what should I do in 2014?

Emotionally, I don’t know what to do anymore. This experience made me even more disillusioned with women. Hey, you can say I’m not that great, but you can’t stop me from continuing to look down on those melodramatic women. To quote a popular phrase: let fate decide.

Work is still disgusting, but I’ve figured it out: if I do badly, can you even fire me? I can at least coast at the minimum level. After all, I’m just in it for the money — I don’t want a promotion, and I hate that vibe.

The internet needs to be used more reasonably. In 2014 I’ll try to disconnect from the internet as much as possible — online, we waste way too much time. Compared to now, even when I was a kid playing games endlessly in front of the TV, that was more efficient than spacing out on social media.

In 2014, I have many plans

• Learn Python / HTML5 CSS3 / Java / Linux
• Learn GIMP / drawing / Lightworks
• Write the little app or site I want
• Learn to cook — be able to hold my own in the kitchen
• Finish the novel I originally planned
• Learn to play music — I'm not interested in composing, I just want to recreate some songs I like
• Save money to buy a car

How much can I actually achieve? I don’t know either. If I can be more efficient, I don’t think any of this is a problem. Right now I seem to have abnormal confidence in my brain — after all, I’ve already been reborn once.

Rebirth means saying goodbye to my former self.

Growing up means looking at your past self and thinking that guy was a total idiot.

So, 2014 — it’s time to say goodbye to my past self, that big idiot.