January Was a Fever Dream

January 2017 was, all in all, a fever dream.

First, on New Year’s Day, I was bored and sent greetings to everyone. A matchmaking girl who’d kicked me before replied immediately, saying she wanted to meet again and explain a misunderstanding from last time.

When we met, she said it was all a misunderstanding, hoped we could start over as friends, and thought my values were really upright, blah blah blah—basically a bunch of praise. After I got home she kept reaching out, which scared the hell out of me. All I could say was, okay okay, I got it, and then, “I get how you feel, but I’m not sure if I like you, so why don’t we hang out and see…”

Though that line felt weirdly familiar… like someone else had said it before…

Then in January, people introducing me to potential partners popped up like geysers—a physics teacher, a female doctor, a women’s soccer player, an economics teacher, a female HR person, all sorts. Quite a few seemed to like me, but I barely knew them, so I just chatted with them one by one. After a while it got exhausting. And they all seemed to think the man should make the first move. I wasn’t nervous like before—I just did whatever, met whoever I wanted, dragged someone along to a movie I wanted to see, or to eat something I craved.

Sure, the pressure of interacting with women had eased… but a new problem appeared: I had no idea if I liked them. I knew too little about them, and they weren’t exactly eager to get to know me either. I’d chat with the econ teacher, tell stories to the HR woman, bicker with the physics teacher, watch movies with the art teacher who’d come back to me, play Honor of Kings with the soccer player. I seemed to get along with everyone, but what was our relationship? Beats me.

Probably just acquaintances—maybe friends at best. Definitely not anything romantic. Sometimes I even started to understand what Galgame protagonists do. It’s really nothing, and taking that next step is genuinely hard when you don’t know each other well enough. How the hell are you supposed to know who they really are…

There were gains, though: I’m not nervous around women at all now. Not sure if that’s good or bad.

Spring Festival fell in January this year, and I chose to work five days during it. I told people it was assigned to me, but honestly it was escapism—I just couldn’t be bothered to go find those matchmaking girls, and I didn’t want to leave the impression that I wasn’t proactive. So I just said I was working overtime, no time, no time…

I don’t know what my situation even is. A friend even suggested I just “take down” the art teacher who came back and threw herself at me first: “Dating her doesn’t mean you have to marry her.” The subtext was to get some benefits first… If I really went down that path, I’d be pretty close to being a scumbag…

This year’s Spring Festival didn’t feel like much, probably because I was working the whole time. The roads during work hours were nearly empty, and I got to drive my car up to 100 km/h for the first time in ages. Felt damn good—and then a bit empty afterwards. My grandmother had a cerebral hemorrhage, and though she can walk on her own now, she completely ignores her health. She’s not keen on rehab training either. When you talk to her, she just says “I know,” but doesn’t do anything. It seems like after Grandpa passed, she feels life is just like this now, nothing left to hold onto… I kind of get where she’s coming from, but I still hope she’d pay more attention to her health.

In January I originally wanted to make a few videos, but thought better of it. First, I don’t look good; second, my voice isn’t great; third, for vlogs I don’t know any good platforms. I like YouTube, but it’s useless for mainland users, and there aren’t any good platforms there—it’s all a mess, no model to follow. Another reason: someone reminded me, “You block so many people every day—aren’t you afraid someone will attack you if you make videos?” Right. As a known glass-hearted person, I’ll just hide here and write text. No videos.

In January I received a few crowdfunded items and bought some small stuff. I really didn’t feel like writing during the New Year, so I’ll organize my thoughts and write about them in a few days. The only new thing I actually started in January was probably a WeChat public account. It’s still in a testing phase—I’m trying to update once a week. As for those who want to see Galgame content on the public account, I don’t think that’ll happen much. The stuff there is for broader appeal; I’ll avoid putting porn games there as much as possible, since many of my subscribers are classmates, including female classmates. Writing that would be bad.

Speaking of Galgame, in January I played the trial version of ルクル’s new work, 水葬銀貨のイストリア. Completely different style from 紙の上の魔法使い—this time it’s gambling-themed… The Kaiji-like psychological battle in chapter one already had me hooked. The inner character portrayal in chapter two and the crazy twist at the end of chapter three made me gasp, “As expected of ルクル.” The plot is fully under control, pacing is excellent. The only downside might be the art, which seems to have regressed noticeably. Same artist and colorist as before, so I don’t know what happened to 桐葉…

Anyway, January was surreal. Experienced a lot, but much of it led nowhere. Though some things did have results… like buying lots of snacks for the holidays and all the eating during New Year—I gained quite a bit of weight. Looks like I’ll need to plan a new round of exercise after the holidays.