Cooking: Fake Oil-Splashed Pulled Noodles

Back in college I visited some university in Pingdingshan, and a classmate treated me to this. All I remember is: really spicy, really fragrant, really satisfying.

Later I found out it’s actually pretty easy to make yourself, so I gave it a shot.

First you knead the dough and make the noodles. Roughly: add salt to the flour, knead, cut into strips, coat with oil, and rest the dough for two hours…

Then stretch the strips long, tear them open down the middle, pull them out like ramen, and drop them into boiling water. Boil for a bit, fish them out, rinse in cold water, and put them in a bowl.

Then get your greens, bean sprouts, chili powder, Sichuan peppercorn powder, chopped scallions, and vinegar ready.

Blanch the greens and sprouts in boiling water and put them on the noodles. I didn’t have ready-made chili powder, so I ground up dried chilies from home. Add the Sichuan peppercorn powder too, pour in three spoonfuls of vinegar first, then heat some oil in a pan and pour it over. Mix it all up while it’s hot and dig in.

This batch turned out okay. First off, it was spicy, and then it was satisfying. But there were quite a few flaws. The flour I used didn’t seem to be medium-gluten — it was high-gluten, so the noodles came out dark and a bit tough, which hurt the texture a little.

Another thing: this chili powder is fucking hot!

Also, I forgot to add salt when kneading the dough, so it wasn’t salty enough. Overall though, not bad. Next time I’ll tweak it and it’ll be good enough to serve.

And finally, a key life lesson:

After you make chili powder or eat something as spicy as oil-splashed pulled noodles, you’ll probably be sweating all over and want a shower. When you shower, do not let your hands touch any sensitive organs — especially not your butthole and your dick. Not even after you’ve washed your hands. Absolutely do not. Remember: do not touch, or you’re on your own.

Don’t ask me how I know.