Maybe you like KFC. Maybe you’ve seen the commercial success of that smiling old man with the white beard, Colonel Sanders. But I can guarantee you don’t know about his past, or the things he got up to in his younger days at culinary school. And that’s exactly what I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator on Steam is here to tell you: that mysterious, dreamlike, enigmatic, untold story. Young Colonel Sanders is a student at a mysterious culinary school. It’s a weird school—there are monsters, ghosts, and a gay guy named Van Van. After he transfers in, he becomes the center of attention. Every day he rides a beautiful little pony to class, wins the praise of Teacher Dog (yes, literally a dog teacher), and at lunchtime, Sanders busts out his homemade fried chicken, which earns unanimous praise from his classmates. Why is his fried chicken so good? “Because I carefully selected 11 secret spices, and together they create this irresistible flavor.”

I’d originally planned to take my physics teacher out for Japanese food, but when I drove over the place was closed… I should’ve figured it out when nobody picked up the phone number listed on Meituan. Miscalculated. And somehow Meituan was still selling group-buy vouchers for the place — should I be snarking that everyone at Meituan is too busy lifting weights and riding bikes? So we decided on the hot pot place next door. Once we’d eaten most of the hot pot, my physics teacher started talking about her hobbies.