Last year, when I was writing “My Favorite Eroge of 2019”, I gave the number one spot to a work by Tōta-sensei. I think Tōta-sensei sometimes writes preachy plots, and he has this weird obsession with random trivia that makes reading painful, but his storytelling is structurally sound, and most importantly, he always delivers something memorable. Whether it’s the moral encouragement in Floral Flowlove (フローラル・フローラブ), or the exploration of Japanese folklore, the hiyoku bird, and immortality in Tamayura Mirai (タマユラミライ), both are thought-provoking. To borrow the words of that Osaka Black Shark normie who’s always got a JK under his arm: “He can tell a good big-picture story.” But soon enough, Tōta slapped me in the face. That’s what today’s topic is about: Garasu Hime to Kagami no Juusha — Glass Princess and the Mirror Servant.

If you listen to a lot of erotic audio… oh wait, I mean ASMR, dummy head recording, whatever you call those drama tracks for stress relief and sleep, you’re probably familiar with the word “soine”. Even if you don’t know Japanese, you recognize the character for “sleep,” so you can guess it means “sleeping together” recordings. So yeah, Sizhai is truly disgusting. Can’t find a partner, so he relies on games to get him a girl; and when he does find a girl in a game, he just stands there waiting for her to throw herself at him; and even when she does, he’s picky about her; and not just picky—his criteria are absurd: too ugly, no; bad voice, no; not a virgin, no; non-human but doesn’t end up with the protagonist, no; damaged goods, no; a ghost that gets exorcised, no. Most importantly, she has to bang the protagonist quickly no matter what. And not just bang—some even demand she sleep with him. Kidney-level isn’t enough; it has to be heart-level. And heart-level isn’t enough; the service has to be perfect. So as Sizhai gets pickier, games get more complex, and the ideal moe girl is born: one who unconditionally throws herself at a total loser, sleeps with him until he dozes off, and does it all for nothing. Just think about it! But even though otaku are tighter with their wallets than fujoshi, there are still some suckers with more money than sense, so many eroge makers deliberately cater to them, scamming otaku out of their cash. Look, here’s another game that pops up with a clear goal: draw a cute girl, then tell you—buy our game and this cute girl will sleep with you! The game is called Soine Kano Gyutto Dakishimete, which means “close-up girlfriend, hugging you super tight.” Buy it or not?! We’re asking you, buy it or not! With Ameda Yuki on art and Natsumi Wako as the lead heroine’s voice actress, such an insane lineup—buy it or not! Just buy it!