Lao Wu, 30 years old, is a total loser. Lao Wu is a high school classmate of mine. His defining trait: horny as hell, but too chicken to do anything about it. In my limited memory of him, what stands out most is him in class flipping through a porn magazine so worn out it was falling apart, gleefully reminiscing about his sexual exploits. Bragging about having a sex life in high school—that’s a hell of a flex. Absolutely goated. High school in China and high school in a Japanese Galgame are two different worlds. Most people don’t even have a girlfriend. Sex? Out of reach. Back then I looked up to Lao Wu, but thinking about it now, I was just too naive. Because the way Lao Wu acted in high school was nothing like someone who was getting laid. How should I put it—aside from flipping through his dirty books, one of his favorite hobbies was lying on the balcony railing checking out girls. A girl transferred into the class next door. Long black hair, liked to dress up, a bit aloof and cold. And this was high school—daring to wear that plaid skirt uniform style, showing off pale thighs and zettai ryouiki. She was ahead of her time. Anyone who saw her couldn’t help but get a little hard just to show their appreciation, right? Ever since Lao Wu spotted that girl from the next class, he thought about her every day, muttered about her constantly, like she was already his girl.

I do have a soft spot for LASS — probably obvious from how much I shit on it. 11eyes was probably the first game I ever really grinded through back in the day. Honestly, a great experience. The part where 劫の眼 kicks in at the end still gets me hyped, and the protagonist’s cheat abilities are pretty damn sick — it blows away all the gloom from earlier and just feels good. Also, the 1v1 between Kusakabe-senpai and Kusakabe Misao — wait, I mean the Kusa… anyway, that was written really well. At least, I’d put it up there with the best battle writing I’ve played. And so, as you probably know, LASS fell straight into a slump after 11eyes. They put out Shoujo Shin’iki, which was way too far up its own ass, then came Mayoi no Futari, which was pretty badly written, and after that they started cranking out short nukige this year — one about getting married, one about ninja training… I figured the company was doomed, and then out of nowhere they announced Liber_7. Liber_7 was originally supposed to come out as a follow-up to the 11eyes series, but Shoujo Shin’iki bombed so hard that LASS ran out of money, so it got delayed, and delayed, and delayed again — and only now have they finally squeezed this thing out. The president of LASS (I think that’s who he is): the freshly married fatass Kenji Mana said, “Liber_7 shares the same worldview as 11eyes and 3days, and it will surpass them.” Of course nobody’s buying that bragging, right? Given what LASS can actually do these days, just telling one story properly would already be an achievement… And so Liber_7 got delayed, delayed, and delayed again. All of which was exactly what I expected, so it finally came out on the last game release day of 2016. Honestly, by the time I got to it I wasn’t really expecting this thing to surpass 11eyes anymore — I’d already played the trial version, and some of it was pretty cringe. So after playing the full release… it just felt even more awkward.

I’m tired of saying whether LASS should just die already… I’m a bit conflicted. On one hand I want it to croak pronto, on the other I still think it should at least finish Liber 7 before kicking the bucket. Anyway, for now it’s better if it doesn’t die. So this “won’t-die-when-you-want-it-to” LASS has a new game out, and it’s a sequel to that old nukige series. Turbulent Snow, Moon, and Flower Moonlit Lewd Dance, Oath of Madness

I keep asking myself one question: when is Lass finally going to croak? And then last time Lass put out some half-assed cobbled-together nukige, and instead of dying it went and opened a new label. Lass Pixy, dedicated to Lass’s pure-love games — like this new release, Pure Marriage Akai Ito Monogatari. Pure love and brides, the polar opposite of that ninja training thing from before. But then I looked closer: the game has three heroines, and the first release is literally called “Pure Marriage ~Akai Ito Monogatari Madoka-hen.” They’re selling it heroine by heroine? The price is cheap enough, though — a bit over 1400 yen, less than some single CDs go for. What does that remind me of? Some X no Seiiki, maybe? Probably eroge just don’t sell anymore, and eroge studios just can’t survive, so everyone’s doing the low-budget split-release thing. Not just Feng — Frontwing is copying Neko%% on Steam with a new game, and light has that Four Seasons of Lies series. But do the math on Lass: finish all three heroines and the game still isn’t expensive, way under the usual 9000 yen. I know Lass is dying and flailing, but at these prices, can you even break even? Are you actually making money? Out of curiosity I played it. And after playing it, I understood. I can tell you responsibly: Lass’s piece-of-shit game really does break even if you sell enough copies. It’s so fucking cheap to make.

As a proud LASS hater, I’ve played almost every game this company (aka “Rass” — short for “shit company”) has put out, except for the early Nanako series. I’m talking 3Days, 11eyes, Shoujo Shinki, Mayoeru Futari, plus their fandiscs and all the different versions and whatnot. Honestly, ever since Shoujo Shinki took a massive dump and turned a great setting into an utterly self-indulgent landmine, I’ve been thinking: when the hell is this shit company gonna go under? So I waited and waited, until Mayoeru Futari was announced, then delay after delay after delay. And what did I get? The game wasn’t the landmine I expected — just dumb and bland as tap water, with art that was straight-up weak. Every girl’s tits bigger than the last, each with a more seductive look in her eyes, moaning louder and louder during H scenes. I was overjoyed… practically trembling with glee, dripping wet with excitement. Not because big tits do it for me, but because I finally saw it: this shit company is done for.