Today I’m going to talk about a game… First, the story takes place in Japan proper… Then, the protagonist is a black guy… Next, he’s also a samurai… And he’s an orphan, taken in by a leader and serving that leader… Yes, the game I’m talking about is… CRYSTALiA’s new cash-grab: Setsuna ni Kakeru Koi wa Hanabi!

Kamigami no Kuni no Mahoutsukai (神の国の魔法使い) Another China-Japan co-produced visual novel, another Nekoneko Soft, another Kataoka Tomo. Nothing about its existence surprised me. Honestly, I half-wondered if Kataoka Tomo and his company had run out of ways to survive in Japan and now had to lean on Chinese money to keep making games. The premise didn’t grab me at all — a Chinese brother and sister go sightseeing in Japan, get swept up in some incident or other. At one point I was convinced this was basically Toshimaen Winter Scenery Mark II. And the weirdest part: the first release wasn’t even the full game. The story got pushed out in episodes. I still can’t understand that decision, and I think it’s one of the reasons the game flopped. Anyway, after half a year of stop-and-start updates the story was finally complete, and reading it straight through, it’s not as low as I expected. Plenty of it is actually pretty creative, and it overturned my fixed impression of Kataoka Tomo as a scenario writer who likes to whine for no reason.

A game called Dougan, I Was Surrounded by Beauties! (完蛋，我被美女包围了！) suddenly blew up, and the reason it blew up is, to me, completely baffling. Mostly it’s some dumb meme like “give Haohao a home,” and the game itself doesn’t strike me as anything new. Live-action dating sims were already a thing in Japan last century, the AV industry has put out similar stuff, and across the whole AVG space a live-action text game called The Sealed Shibuya was huge years ago. Not to mention localized Chinese titles like The Invisible Guardian or Leap to the Thirteenth Room, which already pulled off results that were maybe passable. So why did Dougan, I Was Surrounded by Beauties! suddenly blow up again?

As most people probably expected, the staff behind Kanata no Ningyo Hime (彼方の人魚姫) is the same crew carried over from Yukiiro Sign and even further back, Aonatsu Line—same artist, same writer. So naturally this one inherits that same “youthful air.” Though “youthful air” isn’t quite the right phrase. Starting with Yukiiro Sign, this little lineage shifted from “youth” to “melodrama.” When I heard Kanata no Ningyo Hime was coming out, I had a bad feeling—I figured that melodrama would carry right on over. But this time the setting had moved from “school” to “fantasy,” so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Turns out I was wrong.

Dear readers, good afternoon, good morning, good evening — somehow it’s already April and I still haven’t posted my 2023 Galgame wrap-up. I originally wanted to finish writing up last year’s backlog of impressions before posting, but looking at my pace, I probably won’t finish. Whatever — the games I didn’t write about aren’t worth recommending anyway, so I’ll just post the annual summary. For the ones I played but didn’t write about, I’ll leave links here to hold the spot and update them slowly in the future. I went through last year’s screenshots and found that in 2023 I played, all told, only 19 games related to “dating simulation.” I even fully cleared a 2024 game and wrote a commercial article for it, and I still couldn’t be bothered to write a blog post…… You can find the list of commercial articles here. There are many reasons for this. On one hand, I’m busy with life and need to take care of kids, so I have less time; on the other hand, in 2023 I’d basically switched over to playing all kinds of console games, and my Steam playtime has been rising day by day. These increasingly dumb Galgames I look down on more and more, and I can’t bring myself to play them anymore; and another reason is that the Galgame market in 2023 was just this sluggish. In some months mid-year, you couldn’t even find a so-called “proper release” released that month — nukige and nothing but nukige. Even the “proper releases” were half re-releases, half garbage…… So this isn’t my fault. The responsibility lies entirely with Japan. The games are made so assembly-line and so abstract — how the hell am I supposed to keep playing? So let’s just get to the games I recommend this year. I’ll probably struggle to even scrape together 10……

Your Desperate Attempt to Be Praised Really Makes It Hard for Me to Praise You Years ago, when ANIPLEX.EXE entered the Galgame market as a Sony brand, a bunch of people were shouting “the big one is coming.” I sourly wrote a piece for Dimensional Fanaticism, roughly arguing that Sony was just dabbling and never had much expectation for this market anyway—that the day ANIPLEX.EXE stops putting out products purely through outsourced white-labeling and actually becomes a so-called “first-party developer” is when “the big one” truly arrives. And you’ve seen the results. “The big one” never came, and ANIPLEX.EXE went nearly two years in obscurity, until this year it started rolling out new titles again—still “outsourced” and “white-labeled,” except this time the label says “Looseboy.” The most famous title under ANIPLEX.EXE is of course ATRI (ATRI -My Dear Moments-). The game is a thoroughly formulaic Japanese sci-fi-future work—which doesn’t mean it’s bad. Clichéd stories can still land well, just like how we keep getting moved by formulaic hot-blooded action. Maybe to replicate ATRI’s success, the original team regrouped outside ANIPLEX.EXE and put out GINKA (GINKA). The art style, the scenario writer, the studio, even the title all scream “tribute to the predecessor.” So does GINKA deliver the same feeling as ATRI? Objectively speaking, yes—it even delivers far more content than ATRI. But is “more” good? That I’ve always doubted, and it’s exactly what I find most baffling and worth criticizing about this game.

The past few years have brought a wave of “retro.” People start missing the “old” stuff, and more and more content with a “retro” flavor gets dug out of the historical junk pile and put back into production. Keyboards with last-century styling, computers, handhelds, all sorts of odds and ends. FiiO recently put out a “cassette player,” not cheap, and chunky as hell. And yet people were falling over themselves to buy it. Even with the “retro” tax that steep, there’s still a market—at least enough of one to keep the manufacturers churning out reshelled products alive and well. Which gets me thinking about another industry soaked in the same “retro” smell: the beautiful-girl dating simulation game, commonly known as galgame. Anyone with a bit of history knows the earliest galgames weren’t like today’s mainstream products. The universally acknowledged granddaddy is the Tokimeki Memorial series—I remember it also being called Jun’ai Techou, though back in the day I kept reading the pirated disc as Jun’ai Techou… anyway, not important. What matters is that Tokimeki Memorial was a deadly serious game about “simulation,” “romance,” and “raising.”

There’s a classic meme about Intel releasing the 11th-gen i7-11700K, which benchmarks showed was not only worse than cheaper competitors but even worse than the previous generation—a pure reverse toothpaste squeeze. Gamers Nexus famously called it a “waste of sand.” After playing Lump of Sugar’s so-called “new” 2023 release, I had a similar thought, and it led to the question in the title: If selling a CPU with reverse toothpaste squeeze is a waste of sand, what does developing a completely pointless galgame count as?

Honestly, when I heard ハッピーライヴショウアップ！ was getting a sequel, I was both surprised and not surprised at all. Surprised because the original story was already complete enough that there was basically no room for a sequel. The protagonist marries Sofia and they even have a kid. What’s left to say? Were they going to have him go back to school as a teacher, hang around a bunch of female students, and fall in love with the daughter of one of the previous heroines? That’s a nasty setup. And the not-surprised part is obvious: Miyabi, who had a decent amount of screen time in the original, was never a romanceable heroine. Her presence was too captivating, her charm impossible to resist — half the time she was stealing the show. I’m a diehard Natsuwa Komachi fan, but I think she already had enough screen time in this game. There was absolutely no need to force a “romanceable route” just to satisfy some straight-guy OCD, especially when it makes the whole story feel inconsistent. But it’s not my call. F-chan needs to make money, so ハッピーライヴ ショウアップ アンコール！！, a new release with a brand-new Miyabi-exclusive route, hit the shelves anyway.

I’m not from the Northeast, but I know plenty of Northeasterners. Back when World of Warcraft was huge, Zones 2 and 6 were the China Unicom servers, and they were basically northerners’ territory. And among northerners, Northeasterners made up a wildly high proportion of the player base. It was pretty much: join any random raid, hop on voice chat, and there’s a good chance the raid leader is speaking with a Northeastern accent. Combined with the old sitcom Northeast Family (东北一家人) being a hit, I’ve picked up the dialect by osmosis. The Northeastern dialect is a branch of Northern Mandarin, with a lot of Beijing influence in the pronunciation. Anyone who understands Standard Mandarin can follow it without much trouble, and it carries this weird mix of “comic” and “gangster” energy. A lot of people assume Northeastern guys are all hard cases, but honestly the Northeastern girls are worse. Fun fact: the only domestic violence shelter in all of China that protects men is in Shenyang, Northeast China. Meaning out there, the girls will chase the big Northeastern lads around and beat the crap out of them.